Eiríkur: A New Spelling of my Name

Overheardinmyhead

2005-05-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to use typepad for a month to see if I like it more. So in the meantime check me out there. www.overheardinmyhead.com

The Lighter Side: Orange Elvis?

2005-05-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

Ugh, today has not been the happiest of days. But Trickybrit has added a bit of levity to my situation.

Check out: Orange Elvis?

Macy von Poopmeister 2000 - 2005

2005-05-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

Last summer when I fled Fell Street my ferret Macy moved up to my parents. It was to be temporary until I could find a new place to live. Unfortunately circumstance didn’t allow for her return to San Francisco. My sister called me after 10 PM to let me know that Macy had passed away. While on a trip to Southern Oregon in 2000 with my sister, I went in search of a hedgehog. While visiting a pet shop I saw a dozen kits (baby ferrets) and fell in love with Macy. She had just woken up from a nap and ran over to me. My sister said she was the one I should get. After a run to Fred Meyers for supplies Macy went back with us to our hotel room. Of course ferrets are not welcome in California despite an estimated 1,000,000 ferret owners state wide. Therefore Melissa and I smuggled Macy into the state. We were stopped at a agricultural check-point and I felt so lame as I forgot where we were coming from and where we were going. I'm not a good liar under pressure. Luckily we made it back to Ukiah unscathed. Macy was a world renowned smuggler. Her hobbies and interests were the black market, playing ball, theft, karate, talking long distance, smoking clove, travelling, the '70s, pop culture as it relates to velvet paintings, ninja movies, kicking ass and riding her Harley. Her favorite movies included Beastmaster, Along Came Polly, The Last Ninja and Kill Bill. Her favorite bands were The Chimpmunks, The Doors, The Cure, The Allman Brothers, The Kinks, The Cowboy Junkies and all other bands that start with The. Macy maintained an online personal. In her own words: Shoot, I don't even know what to type here. It's kind of hard since I have such little arms-- tho' dancin on this keyboard is dyno-mite! A'rite, I like to wrestle but not in the mud. I like to talk on my cellie. I run "special" merch back and forth between SF neighborhoods. I pack some serious heat, mmmhmmm. Sometimes I steal my neighbors' cars so I can joyride through the City, but never on Sundays cuz I like hangin down at the dock and shootin the shit with the sailors and dock workers. Shoot, I also like to hiss and spit. A'rite, killing stuffed animals or things with bells is a favorite pastime. Oh and I'm totally into leather, shoot.

On the people she wanted to meet:

Heck, I want to meet people I can call long distance while using someone else's phone. Other bikers, or someone who wants to ride bitch, and I know you do. Anyone who enjoys smoking clove or herb. Wrestlers. Angus from Free for All, he's hot. Mebbeyou, that is if you're packin treats. I gots a couple boys so I'm not lookin for luv, just a little sumthin-sumthin, you dig? Shoot.

To sum Macy up, she was simply kick-ass.

[Real Life] Breaking News!

2005-05-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

There was some urine found on the toilet at my apartment. Yes, urine on the toilet! Couldn't you just die! And there was hair in the sink. I just can't imagine who could have done that. Heinous crimes! Heinous crimes! While trying to find the culprit, I received this email:

Hey Guys.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been sneaking in your apartment when you’re not there – single white female style – and using your bathroom. I thought you wouldn’t mind but apparently you do, and I apologize.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re a girl. How do you get so much urine everywhere?” Well, first of all, I’m a croucher (don’t like cheek-to-porcelain contact) and second of all, there are two things in the world that make me wish I was a man, and one of them is peeing standing up – so I like to practice (obviously I need to practice more!).

So, now that we’ve all been honest and open I will totally respect your property and wipe up after myself. I will also be sure to rinse my pubes from the sink after shaving my hoo-hoo-dilly.* By they way, hoo-hoo-dilly is my cute little synonym for vagina. Though gay, I’m sure you all know what a vagina is, even if the last one you saw was your mom’s when you were coming out of it.

Okay well, let me know if you have any other problems. Now that I’ve “come out” as the secret bathroom user, maybe now it’s cool if I keep a small stash of tampons under the sink?

Name Withheld Pending Investigation

*Also refered to as a cha-cha.

[Real Life] Stunned Homeless

2005-05-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Out at lunch I'm walking on Capp Street. Up ahead are three people sitting. One got up and stands in my way. "Hey man you got any change?" barks the man. I pop back "nope." "I can hear it rattling in your pockets." I jingle my jacket pocket, "What you hear are housekeys. But you don't know that sound because you're homeless." Stunned, they just look at me while I pass.

[Overheard] In the eye of the beholder

2005-05-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

Overheard outside of Duggan's Funeral Home on 17th Street Latina Woman: The mortician made her look like a whore. Latino Man: Yeah he did. She looked beautiful.

[AVFMC] Pig Star

2005-05-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

Twinkle, twinkle piggy star, how I wonder what you are?

[Real Life] Pothead v. Alcoholic

2005-05-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

Picture it: I rush out of work and I'm angry. No good reason, just angry. I round the corner on to 17th Street and there are two women yelling at one another. That causes me to pause and become happy, why? Because I love when people fight.

So these are two African-American women. Both short and both about the same age. As you know, black don't crack so I have no idea how old either one is.

Woman #1: Fuckin' just pick her up some beer! Woman #2: Fuck no! Woman #1: Pick her up some beer. Woman #2: Fuck you!

I get to the corner and Woman #2 shows up next to me, ranting. Ever other word out of her mouth is fuck. I love it. I start to giggle like a little kid who has just gotten presents.

Woman #2: I'm sorry I'm bitching right by you. Me: No worries. Woman #2: It's just my grandma is 89 years old and I don't want to buy her fucking beer. I mean, she lets her grandkids smoke pot up in her house. Why can't she go smoke with them instead of being an alcoholic? Me: (thinking WTF) Gee, I don't know, ummm but good luck with that. Woman #2: Thanks.

[AVFMC] Graffiti Round Up

2005-05-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

I have like a gazillion graffiti photos I took last year and didn’t post. So without further adieu, from the streets of San Francisco (ok one is from Silverlake):

[Mix] Insomniac Theater

2005-05-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

Here I go again, another insomniac post. I'm listening to Guns 'n' Roses' "Patience", the mockingbird outside my window is even drowning out Axel. Little bugger, I hope his singing doesn't last until the Fall. Yesterday I took more sidewalk graffiti pictures in one day than I normally do. A few were latent images on the sidewalk that don't show up unless it rains. One more reason for me to cheer the downpours. My favorite type of graffiti, when the artist embellishes what's already on the sidewalk. This is reflective crosswalk paint and what Trickybrit's coworker would call "Sharpie."

[Whatever] Yeah, I don't get it either

2005-05-04T00:17:00.000-07:00

I love reading The San Francisco Bay Guardian, probably because it's free. But it also features columnist like the coolest writer in SF, Michelle Tea (and if you haven't picked up any of her books or attended the RADAR reading series held monthly at the main branch of the Public Library, you're missing out. Seriously click on the link and quit reading this post.) But I digress, as I always do, probably because I'm an insomniac and this is really the Nyquil I took writing, anyway-- now that I'm on a tangent have you noticed how long this sentence is, good lord I need to stop it but feel powerless. Yay! That did it. Anyhoot, where was I? Oh yes. I love reading The San Francisco Bay Guardian. I love their ads. But what's up with this one? Is it saying that Asian women don't know how to work a penis? Sheesh, I'd be confused by that diagram. I thought it was some weird butterfly.

[Awesome] Swishy, the Butt Pie-rat

2005-05-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

You rock Scott.

[Overheard] No, he uses gerbils

2005-05-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

City construction crew at 18th and Castro Guy #1: I found out what that is in the window. Guy #2: You mean that paperweight? Guy #3: Yeah, it's a paper weight, right? Guy #1: Nah. (Lowers his voice) It's a butt plug. Guy #3: A what? Guy #2: A plug for your ass. Guy #3: Not for my ass-- asshole!

[Real Life] Retentive

2005-05-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Walking to work I saw this guy squatting and using a tape lint roller on the interior doors of his Volkswagen Jetta. Come on. That's just ridiculous. It's got to be a new high for the anal retentive set.

[Awesome] Shiver me timbers

2005-05-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it looks like he's holding a muffin-- but really, it's pie.

[Awesome] Going 2 Hell

2005-04-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm going to hell because I'm stealing this from Trickybrit: ever laughed at a funeral? ever made fun of an ugly baby? here we celebrate those with a wicked sense of humor – those that laugh in the face of damnation; that leave flaming piles of crap on the doorstep of decency. here we post our deep dark secrets that are neither too deep nor too dark – that will make people laugh and then feel guilty about it. so, go ahead and confess. after all, if you’re not going to hell, you’re not living properly!

[Real Life] Why Some Animals Eat Their Young

2005-04-29T11:07:00.000-07:00

My roommate Padric is currently in NYC. He sent this funny paragraph to me detailing his flight there. Who hasn't had a similar experience?

On my flight over, there were the typical yuppie parents who let their children do what they wanted because it "helps them explore the world" (but in the process annoys the shit out of everyone on the plane). They were speaking to their kid in 5 languages hoping to expand its cranium... which is likely undersized thanks to all the environmental contaminants. The kid was up and about despite the seatbelt sign being on. I prayed that the pilot [would] slam his foot on the brakes and send the kid flying (no pun intended). Alas... no. I was left to suffer. That kid and really, many kids out there, are why animals in the wild eat their young.

[Real Life] Alike But Different

2005-04-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Men and women see things differently, everybody knows that. But did you know that even gay men see things differently than women? They do, I swear. Yeah, I know that will be a surprise to most hetero-male readers (as if any are reading this blog). To illustrate my point: Gay man sends picture to straight woman friend Trickybrit (and please disregard the mini-van mega-fun thing in the center of his chest) and says how he wants to have puppies with Jack Johnson. Straight woman sees picture and sends back bad news Gay man looks again and thinks “well, no harm in just sleeping with him then.” Obviously gay men don't get caught up with the details (which is also a total lie but if I said differently I couldn't make my point.) Damn, I messed it all up.

[Real Life] But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

2005-04-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on my bed this evening, looking out my windows while talking to Monica on the phone. I look across the street and this man drops some storage boxes in front of a neighbor's garage. The guy climbs the two flights of stairs to the front door, knocks and the does a cute wave at whoever is inside. He looks familiar but I don't have my glasses on. Scrabbling to find them, I trip. Jumping up I see them on the fireplace mantel. I put them on and walk over to the window. Holy shit it’s this guy I have seen on the 33 Stanyan bus, a guy who I have a huge crush on and who I actually know is a good writer.

So now my conversation with Monica has just become a series of "uh-huh." I'm watching this guy interact with whoever is in the house. Then he walks down and I track his movements like a cat about to pounce on its prey.

He picks up the boxes. I'm drooling. He starts to walk across the street and looks up at me in my window. It was totally a Romeo and Juliet moment. Our gazes met, I felt flush and exclaimed, "Holy fucking shit!" and fell down because I was embarrassed.

I hear the noise of the boxes under my window. My heart is beating fast because I think oh he's placing them on top of one another so he can climb up to meet me. But alas, he was just putting them in his car. He drove off, but not before I had popped up and written down his vehicle make, model and license plate number.

If only I had the energy to stalk.

Actually I already knew he lived somewhere on my street. Swoon.

[Real Life] Mr. T Sez

2005-04-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

Trickybrit and I have come up with a killer idea for a website. When we revel it some people will freak out but most people will cheer. Because we’re awesome. So until then, enjoy our blogs and this: Mr. T sez, “I pitty the fool who washes me with red socks!”

[Real Life] Preoccupied...

2005-04-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

OK-- I was reading sfgate.com this morning and I read this sentence twice:

Right now Mayor Gavin Newsom has a backlog of hundreds of holes that need filling.

Then I realized I was selectively leaving out other words. The real sentence reads:

Right now Mayor Gavin Newsom's crews have a backlog of hundreds of holes that need filling.

Something tells me I'm preoccupied.

[Real Life] Real Smooth

2005-04-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

I don't get excited when I see a celebrity in real life. I mean, come on they're just people. So here is a dialogue between me and Sean Penn.

Me: "You dated Jewel Kilcher, right?"

Sean: "Yeah."

Me: "Thought so. I liked your work in 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High', but 'Mystic River' ehhhhh- not so much. (realizing what I had said) Now that I've embarrased myself I'll leave."

Sean: "Don't worry, I get that a lot."

[Real Life] Bitches

2005-04-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

Being home in Ukiah has been mostly fun. Then again I did spend most of today down in Sonoma County shopping.

Part of the reason I came up to my parents was to see Libby their 15 year old dog. The family got Libby at my persistance for wanting a dog in 1990. Fortunately my sister's friend had a puppy to give away. My mom thought she was the ugliest puppy ever and we weren't going to get her. She was no bigger than the size of my hand. At first we named her Winston, hoping her vagina was really just a small penis. But she was a girl. My sister named her after my Mom's childhood nick name-- telling everyone it was because both my mom and the dog were bitches.

Now Libby is no bigger than a men's size 12 tennis shoe. She's crusty, cranky and prone to seizures. My mom basically carries her everywhere when Libby isn't sitting with my dad in his chair. She's got overgrown nails that tip tap on the hardwood floors. She's lost a lot of her teeth and her breath reeks of death. Despite that, she still loves to smile for the camera!

[Real Life] Hey-hey, Ho-ho Raping Women Has Got to Go

2005-04-23T13:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend I'm visiting my family up in Ukiah, California. While in my mother's workshop this morning, my sister and I heard the distant beat of drums and chants. We rushed outside to see the commotion. A group of protesters were marching down the street. We couldn’t make out their signs or what they were saying. Having an errand to run, my mother and I went to investigate. We walked toward the crowd. “I know what this is” my mom said. “Check it out, the guys are wearing high heel shoes.” Indeed they were. Many had on red stilettos. We now could hear their cheer. Hey-hey, ho-ho, raping women has got to go. Hey-hey, ho-ho, raping women has got to go. "They do this every year," she explained. "Men marching in women's shoes protesting rape." "Awesome." “Know what would be even more awesome? If you threw me down right now and mock-raped me in front of them!" We laughed and ducked inside a sewing store to let them pass us. The marchers congregated in the town square. Their drum beating slowed and their chant became "Rape... NO! Rape... NO!" We went back outside and walked through the square. A woman tried to hand my mom literature. My mom put shook her head and said, "No thanks. I support rape.” It's probably true, I mean she wouldn’t be a very good Republican if she didn’t.

[Real Life] The Gayest Thing

2005-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, this could very well be the gayest thing I've seen. No wonder the gays love Joan Crawford: http://www.dan-o-ramaproductions.com/club_10b.html (Thanks for the link Monica!)

[Overheard] Whips and cuffs

2005-04-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

Graphic Designer (who is originally from Syria): I need bondage! Lots and lots of bondage!

Staff Dominatrix: I can help you out!

Graphic Designer: I cut my finger and need bondage!

2005-04-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

If you haven't taken a moment to check out Trickybrit's Blog, do so now. We're collaborating on a new project that will take the fashion world by storm.

Trickybrit says: my friend eric and i have decided to collaborate on a new line of clothing specifically targeted towards the mentally handicapped. it will be entirely padded and have reflective strips on the sleeves. we're still working out the details, but we're hoping to score ashlee simpson as our celebrity spokesperson. stay tuned for more details.

[Real Life] OK Freud, Interpret

2005-04-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

An email to Trickybrit: I'm very tired this morning. I was dreaming that I was drowning in garbage, but not like refuse from houses, but trash from big retail stores. So I was drowning in packages of that wrapped taffy you can buy during Christmas with the little green tree in the center. This black guy on a garbage tractor was driving by. I thought he was going to hit me but he missed. I called out for him save me but he was wearing headphones be-bopping to Juice Newton so I just sank and sank until only my hand was above the candy. It was horrible.

OK Freud, interpret.

Trickybrit's response:

OOO! I love analyzing dreams! Even though my favourite online dictionary isn’t working lately. anyway...

To see piles of garbage in your dream, forewarns of scandal and that you need to change your old ways and bad habits. And the fact that you were drowning in it??? No good. And to see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure. So the fact that you were drowning in candy garbage means you need to like totally chill out and check yo self before you is be wreckin yoself. It also means that you are a jew. And god smites jews.

You know what your dream reminded me of? That scene at the end of Terminator II when he goes into the molten lava at the end until just his hand is sticking up and then (because apparently when your entire body is melted, you can still control your hand) he gives the thumbs-up sign. That’s awesome. Did you give the thumbs up amidst the trash in your dream?? Because if not, you go back to bed right now and redream it right this time!

[AVFMC] I'm Scared

2005-04-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

[Real Life] Curt* New Yorker: Scene II

2005-04-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

(Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring)

New Yorker: “Business Records” Me: “Hi, I need some information about a DBA.” NY: “We're located—" Me: “Look, I’m in San Francisco. I sent a letter a month ago with a SASE, a money order—" NY: “Name of the business?” Me: “A Sweatshop**” NY: “A Sweatshop?” Me: “Yep.” NY: “HOLD!” (twiddle thumbs – twiddle thumbs)

NY: “HELLO!***” Me: “Ouch, yeah?” NY: “A Sweatshop?” Me: “Yep.” NY: (to someone in the same room) “Yeah, he said ‘A Sweatshop.’”

(Indiscernible female voice in the background)

NY: “She says it’s not in our computer. She’s going to have to look it up manually.” Me: “How long will that take?” NY Female in the Background: “I’m only one woman! I'm only one woman! I’m only one woman!” NY: “She’s only one woman. She's completely backed up. She's only one woman. You understand?” NY Female in the Background: “I’m only one woman! I'm only one woman! I’m only one woman!” Me: (laughing) “Umm, yeah-- so like, never.****”

(Click*****)

* This time it’s really rude. NY County Clerk's office has to be outsourced to a penitentiary—though I think the guys in the pen are probably a lot nicer.

** Not the real name of the company

*** He yelled so loud it frightened a coworker in my office. I think he damaged my ear drum.

**** This is not a misogynistic statement, rather a statement about ineptness.

***** I hung up on him.

[AVFMC] So, Where's the Snorkel?

2005-04-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

[Awesome] She's Done It

2005-04-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

Courtney is blogging! Check out Tricky Brit!

[Real Life] Shudder

2005-04-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

Walking down 18th this morning and despite wearing sunglasses the sun blinded me. I had just passed the Taqueria on the corner of Collingwood when I noticed this gross man walking towards me. Unkempt with his blue jeans tucked into combat lace-up boots he leered. He had a trucker hat that just topped his skull making him look like one of the SNL coneheads. I powered forward and passed him without incident.

I heard someone say in my direction, "Hey-- how're you doing?" It took me a moment to realize it wasn't the leering miscreant I had just passed. Without finding out who was talking I just answered, as if rhetorically, "Fine and yourself?" I turned to see who had spoken to me.

"Just great!" the man said.

Gutteraly I let out an Urrrg-blech and gave the man a look of utter horror. The man was a WC Fields look-a-like who lives in Casa Sanchez and occasionally pulls out of his garage when I'm walking by. He'll slow down his car, watch me pass, pull forward, stop and watch me pass. The last time he did it I flipped him off.

I had to high-tail it into work at that point. I still feel dirty and violated.

[Real Life] MISSING!

2005-04-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

MISSING

Have You Seen Ronald?

Age: 29 Height: 8" Weight: 4oz

Last Seen in the Lower Haight Neighborhood of San Francisco.

If You Know His Whereabouts, Please Email Me Immediately.

There May Even Be A REWARD For His Safe Return

[Real Life] Nicky Pickles

2005-04-08T23:28:00.000-07:00

My friend Nick has started a new blog: The Myth-Adventures of Nicky Pickles-- it's on my roll. Check it out.

[AVFMC] Was it Worth It?

2005-04-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

[Real Life] April, Ick

2005-04-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

April has offically become the month I despise the most. Not only are federal and state taxes due on the 15th, but I have to renew my vehicle registration, and start paying back my student loans. This leaves me without any money-- so I guess I'll be eating beans and rice until the middle of May. (You've been warned!)

[Found] Trimming the Grass

2005-04-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

My mom and sister were pretty tickled when they found this ad in their local paper. So much so they cut it out and delivered it to me. Personally I would like to see the guy on a rider mower and why not have crew of gardeners with weed whackers and hedge clippers?

[Found] Love Ya!

2005-04-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Digging through a shoe box filled with photographs whilst watching “Roseanne” I came upon a wrinkled up note. In March of 2003 Monica and I flew down to Long Beach for our Spring Break. We stayed at the Westin and had a pretty spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean and construction. Before we left Monica found a note folded up and tucked behind the hair dryer in the bathroom. Note Front Note Back This prompted us to continue the gymnastic tradition and leave a note for the next people to find. I wish I had kept a copy of that note, in which we spoofed gymnasts: Tara became a boozer who competed drunk on the balance beam and Amanda became a whore, as we know all gymnast are—who made her very own amateur film debut in "Bend it Like Gumby," filmed in our suite and at the Queen Mary where she gave out handjobs to tourist and ghosts. "ectoplasm, ewww!"

[Real Life] Saturday at the Pier

2005-04-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

It's interesting how a drunk parking his bike before walking into an IHOP can be a very welcome sight. Monica and I met up this afternoon before going down to Tourist Central, Pier 39. After braving a few hills, Ms. M having to hold on to me as we descended a steep Leavenworth stretch of street (I fall walking on flat land with these sandles) we were feeling a bit peckish. We decided upon a little dive only to find out that it closed at 2 PM. So we wandered towards the International House of Pancakes. It was outside the IHOP that we saw a very intoxicated man walking a bicycle. His hair was string, greasy and foul. He had a 70's style mustache (or current day Kentucky) and was reddened and leathery from the sun. He parked his bike and walked into the restaurant and Monica and I followed his lead. At the counter, an Asian woman named Annie confronted Mr. Boozer in a polite giggle way. "Ohhh, Meester you must-a leave." She then called for the male waiter to come over he ordered the guy off the premises. Mr. Boozer didn't pay much attention grabbing a handful of cinnamon starlite mints and some individually wrapped toothpicks. He flung a few on the floor, the mints shattering upon contact. Monica and I laughed a little as we waited to be seated. Finally Mr. Boozer acquiesced and went back outside. I think he only wanted to get some coffee. Monica gleefully watched him try to move his bike only to crash it into a few tourists. After lunch we headed over to Pier 39. Usually we would have bought water guns to shoot at tourists before asking them for money. But instead we went with an even older gag of acting like German tourists and saying a lot of ja-ja's. That was until we decided to be Japanese, which is hard to pull off when I look like a typical Scandinavian/Celtic mix, however Monica does look like a JAP. After the requisite Blue Chip Cookie we headed to the new home of the Musée Mécanique. We had our fortunes told by a few machines, watched some risqué 10 cent picture shows and delighted in viewing a moving diorama titled "Opium Den"-- where the characters had the shakes, a Chinese dragon came through a window, and skeletons were in the closet. Oh how it makes me wish opium was legal! We wandered out of the Museé and on to the SS Jeremiah O'Brien, a Liberty Ship that was sailed during WWII. We got in for the senior citizen price and took a self guided tour. It was simply amazing. I have a new respect for anyone in the navy. I don't think I could ever do it. Descending into the engine room which is four flights down was exhilarating as was sitting at one of the gun turrets. I can't even imagine floating on the ocean and being at war. I snapped some good photos of Monica on the port side with Alcatraz in the background. I also took some photos of the naked woman paintings found on the bow. Oh those sailors...

Perky, ain't they!

Coffee (chai soy latté for me) was the next stop on our agenda, soon followed by a trip to Cost Plus. I bought photo albums and Monica bought potpourri. All and all, it was a fantastic Saturday.

[Real Life] Curt* New Yorker

2005-04-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

(Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring)

New Yorker: “New York County Clerk’s Office” Me: “Hi, I need to inquire about—“ NY: “You need to call back Monday before 3 PM.” Me: “What? “ NY: “The person who deals with—“ Me: “Deals with? How do you know what I wa—“ NY: “Is only here until 3.” Me: “April Fools?” NY: “What?” Me: “Seriously, I need to speak with some—“ NY: “Not here until Monday and before 3.” ** Me: “What’s your address?” NY: “Monday before 3.” Me: “Street?” NY: “Monday before 3.” Me: “Zip?” NY: “Before 3.” Me: “No thank you very much.” NY: “3”

(click)

* Yes, I know New Yorker automatically implies curtness, but those on the "left coast" need a reminder.

** This is where the phone call actually ended. Like a New Yorker would stay on the line past that point.

[AVFMC] Piggy Sez, "Feed Me!"

2005-03-25T18:46:00.000-08:00

[Watch] The World's Strongest Boy

2005-03-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

TLC has a special on Richard Sandrak The World's Strongest Boy. You've got to check out his photos on his website. It looks like someone did a poor photoshop job putting this boys head on someone elses body. But it's him! Extremely creepy.

[AVFMC] Hang In There

2005-03-22T18:26:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Bah-dah-dah-dah-dah

2005-03-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] A Weed Grows in the Mission

2005-03-15T00:12:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Homeless Beaver In the Mission

2005-03-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

She was on the corner wearing a purple tank top that came down mid-thigh. The rush-hour traffic swelled onto the street buzzing by her as she moved to her own tweaker beats. I was steadily approaching her, having just left an angry day of work, digging through the messenger bag that was slung across my torso. I intermediately looked up at her as I was getting out my sunglasses. She tracked my advance. Through the tank straps I could make out sagging sweet potato breasts resting on top of her drooping broad belly. Her feet were bare. Obvious dark cracks crawled up her heels to her ankles. The legs caught the sunlight in patches all the way up to where the tank top ended, reveling a highway of needle marks. She smiled a toothless grin, foam at the corners of her mouth. I could smell the urine of dozens of people on the Spring air. My mind raced with questions: how can you stand there barefoot in all this filth? do your marks itch? how long have you been a junkie? what do you charge for a fifty-fifty? Tugging down at the bottom of her top, she started letting out a soft whine. It grew more guttural as she flipped up her tank top reveling that she wasn't wearing panties. I was now to the side of her waiting for the crosswalk light to change. I couldn't help but look back over to her. She pulled up the swag of abdomen flesh reveling her patched dirty blond pubic hair. I let out a loud laugh and turn the brilliant kind of red reserved for Chinese New Year parades. The green man appeared on the pole across the street. I leapt off the curb, placed my hand over my mouth and laughed for another fifty feet. I fumbled for my cell phone and called the first number on speed dial to share the immediacy of this site. It was my mom's voicemail. I left her a message saying, "Hey you'll never believe what I just saw. A homeless beaver in the Mission. Call me."

[AVFMC] Not Another Wagon

2005-03-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Altercation on 17th Street

2005-03-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

I just got into altercation on 17th ST while leaving a message for Monica on her voicemail. This young black guy and girl were walking towards me. The girl was also on her cell phone. The guy yelled to me, “Hey you! Hey you! Which way are you goin’? Which way are you goin’?” He wouldn't move out of my way so he pushed into me.

I said, “Obviously forward.”

“You want me to kick your ass whitey?”

“You’ll be dead in thirty seconds if you touch me.”

“I’m gonna bust your head in, whitey-mother-fucker.”

“You’ll be DEAD if you touch me.” I shoke my head like a mean big bad-ass black woman.

I moved forward, still on the phone with Monica’s voicemail. He started to pursue. I kept my same pace leaving a message for Monica detaling what was happening. After half a block he turned back around. I circled the block to see if he was still around but I didn’t find him.

So I’m back at work, tense and ready. These fuckers must smell it on me.

Gill says I need to go buy myself some pepper spray. I'm think I need something like a tazer.

[AVFMC] Defend Falluja

2005-02-28T01:33:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] North Beach Brawl, Well Almost

2005-02-26T21:29:00.001-08:00

After leaving my casa this morning I went to Yerba Buena plaza and chilled for awhile. Talked with my sister, Monica and Nick-- making plans with him to go see "Bride & Prejudice" at 2:30. It was overcast-- less than desirable weather for some, but I kind of like it that way.

After YB Plaza, I walked around town and until I found an issue of The Guardian. I read it for the first time cover to cover. Nick showed up and we watched the movie-- which was cute and lame.

Afterward we went to North Beach. Approaching a corner up the street from Clown Alley on Columbus, this derelict was yelling at this Asian woman driving a minivan. He called her a "gook" and told her to go back to her own country. Nick and I cross to the side of the street where this vagrant was.

Nick was wearing a Paul Frank sweatshirt with Julius the monkey on the front. The drunkard said, "Hey Curious George-- do you have twenty-five cents?"

Nick replied with a firm, "No."

That set the guy off, he started rambling about everything he could possibly ramble about. A woman with an Irish Wolf hound walked buy and he said, "That's an Afghani Hound. I had three houses filled with those dogs. Do you know what an Afghani Hound is?" He was in my face, his breath was hot and smelt of cheap booze and gym socks. "Do you have twenty-five cents?"

"No," I said looking towards the traffic lights hoping they would change.

"You don't have twenty-five cents!" he was belligerent.

"You need to stop talking to us," I said my adrenaline rising. I bent the fingers on my right hand in case I need to swiftly break this guys nose.

"Fuck you!" he yelled as the light turned.

"Fuck you," I said back stepping off the curb. "Do us a favor and jump into oncoming traffic."

We made it across the street and rounded a corner. We stopped into a patisserie. After two minutes who should happen to walk in? The chronically inebriated vagabond. Nick and I ordered our pastries. The ass started talking to some man who was behind us, complaining about not eating and needing to be fed. Then he mubbled something about Nick and myself. While we were paying the liquored scrounged left.

He cross the street flipping off people who wouldn't roll down their windows and give him money. As Nick and I jay walked across the same street, he turned and opened his mouth real big as if to yell but just flipped us off.

I was happy we didn't get into a North Beach brawl. However it seems every time I'm down in that area there's some drunken asshole that tries to ruin my time there. The last time I was with Monica some psycho started yelling at us on the bus and told us to go back to Las Vegas. He tried to ambush us after we got off and I went to whack him with my umbrella when he ran off.

I should probably take my notepad down there and just hang out and write-- but I'd probably end up with a trip to the ED at the nearest hospital.

[Real Life] Religious Rumble

2005-02-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

Just minutes before this picture was snapped, two Mormon Elders and three of Jehovah's Witnesses got into a rumble-- seems both had staked this part of the block as their turf. The clouds above them opened up and I swear, God smote them all, leaving just their shoes, clothes and some pink Watchtower pamphlets on the ground.

[AVFMC] Una

2005-02-12T08:34:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Fist on Fuego

2005-02-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

Some how this makes me think of a handballer advert for hemoroids.

[Overheard] Martha's Trump

2005-02-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

Seems like Martha Stewart has a new venture, she's going to star in her own reality TV series on NBC. "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart". I'm sure it will be a good thing.

[Real Life] Are you Relationship-Ready?

2005-02-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

You're Cool as a Cucumber You're not so sure about this whole commitment thing, are you? Chances are you're sowing some wild oats and aren't too concerned about the harvest. That's OK for now -- just don't hold out for perfection. You don't seem meant to live your life alone, so make sure you're ready to let someone in when the right one comes along. Are you relationship-ready? Find out now!

[Overheard] Call On Me

2005-02-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

This is why I no longer have a digital video recorder, because I would make movies like this and nothing else. Well worth downloading "Call On Me" for a laugh.

[AVFMC] So is your mamma!

2005-01-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

[Overheard] Therapy

2005-01-23T23:10:00.000-08:00

While walking down Noe Street towards Duboce Park at 10:30 PM. Guy 1: "You need a therapist." Guy 2: "I'll write my own personal philosphy on acceptance, thank-you-very-much." Guy 1: "Bitch." Guy 2: "Bitch." Dog: "Bitches."

[AVFMC] So Sayeth The Sidewalk

2005-01-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] The Details

2005-01-20T18:03:00.000-08:00

I was being rather pissy at work when lunch rolled around. When I walked out the door I thought to myself, be in the moment-- do not think about how you wish things were but take pleasure in how they are. It was quite the undertaking. The sun was shining quite brightly on Shotwell, a street I usually pass by while walking to Rainbow Grocery. Trying to be in the moment I seized upon the opportunity. I looked up at a rather non-descript apartment building and under the bay window I found this painting. It made me pause, smile and take a picture. There was this one too-- so Merlin.

[AVFMC] The Ghost of Stewie

2005-01-19T21:37:00.000-08:00

[Dining] The Last Supper Club

2005-01-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

Jim, Lisa, Lisa (without the Cult Jam) and I dined at The Last Supper Club last night. The food was fair; I felt the flavor could have been more well rounded. The service was excellent, the women that work there are very pretty. It helps that they have beautiful breast, tiny wastes and look good in red. One of the Lisa made a joke about the ambience. Of course it is "The Last Supper Club," so it's supposed to have that feel with its stained glass, pictures of angels and booths that looked and felt like pews. Only we weren’t dining on the flesh and blood of Christ, instead opting for Blood Orange-tinis and sliced baguettes with olive oil, garlic and parsley dip. I was a little sad that no one wanted to wash my feet :( Our conversations mainly centered on vacations, each of them being nurses with a tremendous amount of PTO available to accrue. I of course was jealous, as I only get 10 PTO days a year which are sick days and vacation combined. The other Lisa was talking about spending six weeks in Africa and Europe. Why, oh why didn’t I become a nurse? We spent two and a half hours at the restaurant. During the course of our meal, the table next to our booth hosted two different sets of people. The latter of whom, I couldn’t help but stare at. The gentleman looked as though he was sucking sour grapes the whole time he sat there with his girlfriend. He also used his knife to put the olive-oil onto his bread. Fascinating. At some point he started to notice I was watching him (probably when I asked the Lisa sitting next to me if she thought he was retarded) but I didn’t really care.

[AVFMC] It's Pink. Therefore It's A Bike For?

2005-01-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Nome

2005-01-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Email Roulette

2005-01-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

Need something else to do, instead of reading blog after blog? How about Pilinko's Email Roulette? They say it's the finest entertainment to hit the net since spam! Of course, I suggest you set up a new Yahoo! email account before you begin.

[Real Life] Got a Light?

2005-01-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

Walking and sippin' my Jamba Juice this morning, I strayed from my usual path to work. Taking 15th Street past Dolores, I came across a woman in an electric wheelchair. She was carrying some sort of white and red box placed precariously on her lap. She zipped past me towards the corner. A loud crash filled the still morning air. The box fell in front of her chair. She kept crashing into it like it was a bumper car. No one else was around. I was going to have to help this lady. As I approached she was yelling, slurring the words, "Sooooome body 'elp meeeee!" I stopped to the side of her. She seemed to be in her forties, haggard by elements, reeking of booze and tobacco. The box turned out to be a small microwave oven. I picked it up and placed it in her lap. She still said, "Sooooome body 'elp meeeee!" I noticed her purse was caught between the right side wheels. I maneuvered it out, trying not to get myfingers smashed because she kept moving the chair back and forth. "They lie abooooout me!" She cried, "I jus' wanna cigarette! The people in the alley lie!" I was still kneeling, when I noticed on her right hand were some brass knuckles. Then the bitch took a potshot at my head. She didn't tag me because I jumped back, not that it would have mattered since she had all the strength of Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons." Surprised I laughed out, "Fuck you." I shook my head, turned and walked away. She yelled towards me as I reached the corner, "Heeeey yoooou, got a light?"

[Real Life] Zipper Dinner

2005-01-06T22:46:00.000-08:00

These are a few of my favorite description of porn clips I had to view today at work: Awesome hunk zipper dinner Bacon men draw fuck pussy Salami fuck bend cock Beefy men skin the banana Dual brawn pull some peepee Comely stud bite the crank Twinkie sucked until eject filling Strong men fuck in the teeth Two left-handed cock lovers Hard body trio give cone Gay sucking strong penis Hunk me cover fuck anus Hunk fuck chain blowhole Dishy hunk butthole surfing Cunning men butthole surfing Cruel hardcore fuck in bedroom Hard body bully in muzzle Hot boy likes to suck in primeval forest Hairy construction worker balder got eaten by his work mate European twink loves to eat huge muscular big black hunk meat The doctors have sexual desire and have gangbang in meeting room Jose and Rodney having a pre entrée muscles fucking for dinner Five masculine big biker gang filling up the ass power before the race

[Real Life] Tsunami Donations

2005-01-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

I posed this question/rant to a friend this morning: Am I the only one who finds the news headlines that report how much "celebrities" are donating to the Tsunami victims tacky? Also, the apparent race the media has made with how much countries have donated in loans and grants? "We've got Australia in the lead, followed by Japan. USA is trailing..." I think it would be better, for celebrities to step back and just give money without the recognition. But that's obviously asking too much, since they all crave their names in the headlines. He responded: Oddly enough Matt Lauer is covering this currently on “Today.” Apparently Sandra B. made the donation of 1M before and did so quietly, and didn’t do it for recognition. The others like Leo DiCaprio did a movie in Thailand, and he donated to UNICEF. I say, let it be known. Let’s shame everyone into donating. The $350M that the US has pledged equals to $1.19 per American. I think of all things my tax dollars should go for helping people instead of building a B1B Stealth bomber. My response: Your point is taken however your optimism surprises me. To think the US would divert funds from building war crafts to help the victims surrounding the Indian Ocean is, well, naïve. I think it’s proven, over time, that the US will cut funding to beneficial programs that help its citizens, like education, before it delays the production another Stealth bomber.

[AVFMC] But He's So Cute

2005-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Resolution

2005-01-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to make resolutions of any kind due to a new year. However, if I were to make any adjustments it would be simply to give even more of my time to people and causes I care about. If you have yet to make a donation to the victims of the tsunami in Asia, two charities I suggest are Oxfam & UNICEF. When I worked with Amnesty International a few years ago, my work eventually led me to organizations that helped exploited children. With all the news about disaster relief and the impending health risks, I think the media has really overlooked (so far) how children in Southeast Asia can be exploited, especially if their parents are dead.

[Real Life] Christmas

2004-12-26T13:59:00.000-08:00

I jumped into a taxi on Christmas around 6 PM. I was off to see Monica, we had plans to get Chinese food and then just hang out. I told the cabbie I need to go to Bush at Hyde. He zoomed off, speeding through San Francisco, weaving in and out of the lanes of traffic. “Now I know how Princess Diana must have felt before she died,” I told the driver. He laughed, “We won’t be going through any tunnels.” Upon arriving in front of Monica’s building, I tipped the driver generously. He had gotten me there in one piece and in remarkable time, plus it was Christmas. Not being one who likes Christmas, it was still nice to see that Monica’s building was decorated with all the trimmings. After she buzzed me up and we exchanged little gifts, we were off to Polk Street. We made it to Bamboo during the dinner rush, but were seated promptly. We kvelled over our service and food, not so much because it was great but because it was just what we wanted—very “A Christmas Story” sans the “fa-ra-ra-ra-ra’s”. After dinner, not much was open but bars. We walked down Polk to Ghirardelli Square. Monica bought some tampons for a ridiculous price, $8 for 10 and I bought a pack of Vanilla Mint gum for $1.25. Ah, tourist traps and their prices. This woman walked into the store and knocked over a pair of sunglasses. “You knocked those over,” she said to Monica. Monica looked at her and said surprisingly, “I did?” “Yeah, I’ve been standing over here,” she lied as she had just walked past the sunglass rack. “Oh, well that doesn’t mean you couldn’t pick them up” Monica began in a motherly tone which turned sarcastic “but that’s OK.” We proceeded to make fun of her for a couple of blocks. Oh we’re going to hell. We walked to Pier 39, got some hot beverages and treats from Blue Chip cookies and found a place to sit and talk the night away. We stared out in to the bay, at boats with festive lights, one of which had made a Christmas tree design using its masts, complete with a star at the top. When we were finally ready to go home we walked over to catch a cable car. A homeless man tried to get us to donate money in order to help find a missing girl. He showed us a flier he had picked up. I had to give him credit for his creativity, but he wasn’t getting any of my coin. He jumped on the cable car with us, all of us getting to ride for free. The cable car operators were the best I had ever been around, they weren’t rude! Everyone wished us a Merry Christmas as we jumped off on Taylor and walked toward Grace Cathedral. The neighborhood was quiet and enchanting. Soon enough we were back where we started, at Monica’s. I bid her good night and headed back to the Lower Haight.

[Real Life] Christmas Ball Sacks

2004-12-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

Scott and I met up underground at the Castro Street Station. We rode the L down to Civic center station and made our way to Aunt Charlie's. Scott ordered us up some Pabst Blue Ribbon at $2.50 a can. Ah, white trash holidays, just like at home! The drag queens that preformed were nothing like you'd see at Trannyshack, where performances can be like theater. These were old school drag queens, the kind you know have lived the hardest life possible, putting it all on display in gowns of glitter. A few have fake breasts and cheek implants. I have it on good word that their "bits" are still intact. The tranny hunters were out in force. I couldn't tell if they were more tragic than the queens. Eager to give a "lady" a tip, buy "her" a drink and perhaps have a rendezvous later on. I can't image what would happen. It wouldn't be pretty. Scott is really well known, so all the "girls" played to us, especially Gina LaDivina "the $65,000 Silicone Wonder." She calls him one of her kids. She has "Two girls and eight boys." After the show we went walked through the Tenderloin. A black man with an eye-patch wished us a "Merry Christmas." We saw three police cars pull up to an apartment building, one officer hand cuffed the gate open and all six officers went inside. Merry Christmas indeed. When we got to Polk street, we headed north. Grubstake on pine was our destination. Tranny hookers were working the street. Kevin and Scott would call out to them and we'd all laugh. By the time we got to Grubstake we found it closed. We turned around and headed back down to Polk and to this dive pizza restaurant. We ordered up slices. Two mushroom and one cheese. The place was pretty packed, since it was small. While waiting for our slices we noticed one of the cooks slip off his sneaker and scratched the bottom of his sock. We laughed and laughed. I knew my slice was going to taste extra cheesy. I checked the bottom of the slice for planter warts. We made fun of some girls that came in. One tranny hooker kept walking by the window. She wore a jean mini skirt which didn't cover her ass, a denim jacket with a hot pink blouse and hot pink stilettos. Kevin commented, "She's obviously dressed for winter." Scott retorted, "She's a figure skater looking for some "ice'". Finally, at 2 AM we got a cab and drove home. Another Christmas Eve for the books.

[AVFMC] St. Ignatius

2004-12-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Peace

2004-12-17T22:57:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] How to Kill a Mockingbird

2004-12-15T15:57:00.000-08:00

If you're writer or lit-centric, if you are or have been a teacher, you'll love this link: How to Kill a Mockingbird. I'm glad educational institutions bring together great minds to create this kind of art!

[AVFMC] Hang Girl

2004-12-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Buena Vista Park View

2004-12-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

Jim and I took the dogs out for a stroll in Buena Vista Park, where we all enjoyed the view.

[AVFMC] Sleep Sheep

2004-12-09T22:57:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Evocative Pulp Paintings by Lisa Bostwick

2004-12-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I come across a painter whose work inspires me to pick up a brush again. While visiting a friend at Citizen Cupcake in the Virgin Megastore downtown, I saw a series of evocative Pulp Paintings by Lisa Bostwick. If you're downtown, do check them out.

[AVFMC] I Smell a Rat

2004-12-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

A Sewer Rat! But it looks more like a Long Nosed Bandicoot.

[Fortune Cookie]

2004-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

Your business will assume vast proportions.

[Real Life] Huffing FDS

2004-11-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

OK-- nothing says "welcome back to San Francisco" like walking to work and seeing a homeless woman spraying an aerosol can into a bag and huffing it. Even better, the can was long and slender and pastel in color. She was huffing FDS! Feminine Deodorant Spray! "Delicate Breeze, light as a meadow breeze for all day freshness." Can that stuff even get you high? Honestly she should have just sprayed her whole body down with it. It would have really helped her.

[Real Life] Happy T-day

2004-11-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving-- though I'm hesitant to ever utter such things. In the spirit of the holiday, click HERE and enjoy!

[Real Life] Anti-climatic

2004-11-23T08:51:00.000-08:00

Last night, after leaving the pooches in dormitory bliss, I walked home to the Lower Haight only to see a large white truck pushing a MUNI bus. Yellow lights flashed, and the bus kept honking it's horn alerting other drivers it was going to run all the stop signs. Few drivers paid attention, and the bus almost crashed three times in 15 seconds. On the corner of Haight and Pierce there was yellow "DO NOT CROSS" tape blocking off the street. Four news vans were parked half on and off the sidewalks, their satellite dishes telescoping up into the nights sky. Instantly I thought someone had been murdered. Maybe even a whole family. My adrenaline started pumping as I walked towards one of the inspectors. "I live just over there-- can I get to my house?" "Umm, let me find you an--" "I'll escort him," this rather cheery inspector said walking towards us. "You'll need to enter on the sidewalk over there." "OK." I walked to the sidewalk and ducked under the tape. "Can I ask what happened?" "I'm not allowed to comment at this time." He said smiling. "Fair enough." He escorted me to my gate. Entering the house I asked my roommate if he knew what happened. He did not and he didn't seem very interested in what had happened. I went to my room and made a few phone calls but no one knew what had happened. I went to bed annoyed. Waking up this morning I went to the local news channel websites. NBC11.com was the only website carrying the story-- two police officers approached a parked car with two men in it. One suspect put the car in reverse hitting on of the police officers and dragging him several feet. The other officer opened fire shooting one of the suspects. Neither officer or suspect was seriously hurt. YAWN. How anti-climatic.

[Real Life] Twitterpated

2004-11-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

I may actually be feeling a little twitterpated. Is one even alowed to feel twitterpated as winter approaches? Scissor Sisters Jake Shears -- Brrrrrwow

[AVFMC] Zen and the Art of Sidewalk Maintenance

2004-11-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Shopping Carts and Homeless Sleepers

2004-11-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

[Fortune Cookie] "Your talents...

2004-11-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

:) Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. :)

[AVFMC] Keg Stand

2004-11-16T20:33:00.000-08:00

[AVFMC] Be A Rebellious Slave

2004-11-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Do it Mommy, Do it!

2004-11-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Chon'trell (pronounced Sean-trail), age three, was fidgeting in his seat. I had walked into the payment center for PG&E on Mission Street. His mother announced to the never-ending line that she had been in physical therapy all morning. "I hain’t walked on it since August," she said pointing down at the soft cast encasing her leg. She turned and put her hand on Chon'trell's head. He fidgeted some more and she grabbed a fist full of 'fro and yanked his head back. "You want mommy to put a cap in yo ass?" Do it! Do it! Was all I could think. Un/Fortunately she didn't and they left.

[AVFMC] Missing on Church Street

2004-11-14T19:48:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Candy Land

2004-11-13T21:59:00.000-08:00

A woman was contorting her body on a bench in front of the 16th and Mission BART Station. Her arms were spastic, jolting out as if they were trying to flee her body. Probably in her forties she was a user, a boozer and a looser. She probably stole a TV and did some time. I watched her talk with a black woman. Her face seemed half paralyzed. "Yeah, my seventeen year old is out on the streets too." It wasn't surprising. Up the street I headed to grab a slice of pizza for lunch. One of the clients from "Creativity Explored" was in the door of the pizza joint lighting up a cigarette. An overwhelming feeling of deja vu overcame me-- not surprisingly I had entered Deja Vu pizza restaurant. The site of someone lighting up indoors was bizarre. I've been in California too long. After getting my slice I walked back to work. The woman on the bench was gone. I rounded the corner of Capp Street to see her-- shirt half up, doing the addict dance, this time in front of men. She placed on arm behind her head and bobbed up and down-- trying to be sexy but obviously she had lost control of her extremities. And the men cooed and gave her attention. All I could do was laugh-- and laugh I did.

[AVFMC] I Found Osama!

2004-11-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

Now to call and collect my reward.

[Real Life] Shag Memories

2004-11-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

Growing up, in my family's living room, the space between the coffee table and the sliding glass doors was usually reserved as a dumping place for laundry. The laundry would pile up into hills and then create mountains before anyone would even attempt folding the clothes. A love seat sat lonely in the corner. Under its cushion you would find individual socks that had lost their mates during the laundering process. I always felt sad for those socks-- starting out on a journey with their pal and ending up smooshed and forgotten underneath a cushion. But when the space was clear of laundry, I would lie on the floor, on my side and start running around in circles. I may have started out twirling standing up-- getting a legal kiddy high. Possibly after tumbling over one too many times, I devised a plan to run while lying down. In those days my parents had wall-to-wall red, brown and green shag carpeting. My mother like it if only because it didn't show dirt. That meant infrequent vacuuming. If you hit the carpet when the light streamed into the room, plumes of dust would rise in the air. I was told once these were dead fairies-- probably by my sister. Our living room was the place where all fairies came to die. While on the ground running in circles, the shag would heat up spots on my arm that would eventually turn to blisters. But it didn't matter because running was something I enjoyed-- if only in circles in the living room. Get me outside and I would sit under a tree and read a book.

[AVFMC] Eat Pussy, Not Cow

2004-11-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

[Overheard] Fleet-fully Clean

2004-11-09T10:05:00.000-08:00

Dr's office: "You'll need to be fleet clean." Guy: "What?" Dr's office: "Fleet enema clean." Guy: "So like 'fisting' clean?" Dr's office: "Well we don't need eat out of it."

[AVFMC] Iron Building

2004-11-08T20:33:00.000-08:00

[Real Life] Marry a Canadian

2004-11-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

Worried about the U.S. election outcome? Want to save a progressive American from another Bush administration? It’s easy – Marry an American! Go to http://www.marryanamerican.ca/ to do your part! It's worth a try! Then again, I "blame Canada!"