[Real Life] Mattress Shopping the Sluty Way

Since January of this year I've been researching mattresses. Translation, I’ve done a lot of lying around. There are conventional ways of going about mattress shopping. For example: Sleep Train, Mancini’s Sleep World and Macy’s Furniture all have beds set up so you can walk in, lie down and take a load off (if I were homeless this is how I’d nap.) But I’m not conventional and figured I should test out mattresses the best way I know how. I started hooking up with recent mattress purchasers. Basically I stalked men who went into the above mentioned stores and watched them make their purchases as I waited outside. Dressed conservatively with a clipboard and forms, when a guy left I asked if he had a minute to fill out an exit survey about his purchase. Using my highly tuned gaydar, I surmised if I could bed this guy. In the beginning I would get his contact information and ask if I could “follow up.” However after a few days of doing this I became a little more brazen and used cheesy pickup lines like, “Ah, you bought a mattress with a Euro-top. Have you considered an American Top in bed?” That line was magic. I tested Stearns & Foster Silverdream mattresses, Beautyrests, Tempur-pedics, Sealy Reflexion and even two futons (the guys were really HOT!) The Silverdream line was the best, but way out of my price range. So I’ve settled on Beautyrests. Not only are they comfortable—there’s added cushion for the pushin’.