[Real Life] Breaking News!

There was some urine found on the toilet at my apartment. Yes, urine on the toilet! Couldn't you just die! And there was hair in the sink. I just can't imagine who could have done that. Heinous crimes! Heinous crimes! While trying to find the culprit, I received this email:

Hey Guys.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been sneaking in your apartment when you’re not there – single white female style – and using your bathroom. I thought you wouldn’t mind but apparently you do, and I apologize.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re a girl. How do you get so much urine everywhere?” Well, first of all, I’m a croucher (don’t like cheek-to-porcelain contact) and second of all, there are two things in the world that make me wish I was a man, and one of them is peeing standing up – so I like to practice (obviously I need to practice more!).

So, now that we’ve all been honest and open I will totally respect your property and wipe up after myself. I will also be sure to rinse my pubes from the sink after shaving my hoo-hoo-dilly.* By they way, hoo-hoo-dilly is my cute little synonym for vagina. Though gay, I’m sure you all know what a vagina is, even if the last one you saw was your mom’s when you were coming out of it.

Okay well, let me know if you have any other problems. Now that I’ve “come out” as the secret bathroom user, maybe now it’s cool if I keep a small stash of tampons under the sink?

Name Withheld Pending Investigation

*Also refered to as a cha-cha.