Upon waking this morning my lower back was in such pain it had radiated out into my legs. I fumbled for some relief and thought I had found it in a bottle of Advil. I popped three beautiful blue liquid gels and hobbled to the bathroom to take a shower. It wasn’t long before I was doubled over in pain. I forgot that I can’t take ibuprofen or naproxen anymore because it makes my stomach bleed. The horror of it all. I schlepped to work regardless and have been sitting here alternating between clutching my belly and clutching my back. Then there are my legs which still hurt. It’s comedic on one level, on another it’s just plain distressing.

My Easter Basket arrived home with me after a visit up at me mum’s. I may be 26 years old but I haven’t outgrown the Easter Bunny. Last year I gave up Easter egg hunts. Anyway upon my request, my sister was only allowed to buy me one piece of candy. What’s a girl to do in that situation? Having to restrain her impulses to buy hundreds of candy treats—she used her noggin and purchased just one piece of candy for me. Of course it was an chocolate Easter egg the size of a football! I had left it in my truck where it melted quickly. Seeing as it was still edible I put it in the fridge to harden it up. It reminds me of the year I got my braces on. It was the day after Easter and I had a four pound solid chocolate bunny that I couldn’t eat do to pain. However where there’s a will there’s a way. I got out a candle, a ladle and a knife. I hacked away at the bunny, put the pieces in the ladle and cooked it over the candle flame. I would then inhale the chocolate. Satisfaction. Freebasing off of chocolate bunny parts. There’s nothing like it.

Chloroform tastes a lot like magic and unicorn poop.

The cool thing about looking like a Satanist is all the free music.

There was no sugar coating things when I was a child. I knew about the birds and the bees before anyone else my age. When it came to sex and drugs not a lot was left up to my imagination. My dad would come home everyday from work at noon for “lunch” and he and my mom would go have sex in their bedroom while I watched cartoons in the living room. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked in on them. I once saw my mom giving my dad head in the backyard. Not to mention how many Polaroids I’ve seen, which makes embarrassing my mom extremely easy. “Remember that time you sent me out to the car to get money out of your purse? Well I found those pictures dad took of you in the motel. I didn’t know your asshole was so hairy.” She’s mercurially modest, she’ll still walks around the house naked unless someone makes a comment about it, then all of a sudden she’s bashful. She looks a lot like those busty ladies in the movies, her boobs swaying like jungle vines.

My weekend happened to be low-key. Saturday Stewie and I hung out until Amy showed up in the evening. Amy and I decided to go get some dinner and I pointed out porn stars and explained the hanky code to her. While eating a man sat down behind Amy and pulled out three new porn DVDs. I pointed this out to Amy and she did the best, sly-stretch-look-over-the-shoulder number I’ve seen in years. She said, “I wonder what he’s going to be doing tonight?” “You do realize that he’s taking out his right hand for a romantic dinner.” Then I took my hand and formed a fist and placed it by Amy, “I don’t want pasta, I want your little cock!” She died laughing. Her funeral is on Wednesday.

I’m obsessed. Last night the mouse taxidermy at Paxton Gate visited me in a dream. This time, the mouse was dressed like Patty Hearst, holding a machine gun in front of a Symbionese Liberation Army flag. My favorite mouse-dreamt-taxidermy has been the Charo mouse that wore a red sequined gown. It kept saying “Choochie-choochie.” That was hot.

Sexual Innuendo, Hard-ons, Delusion and Projections: Is it a good sign? Here are my thoughts, being a tech savvy and emotionally literate person, with extensive empirical data collected over the past nine years. Anytime one sees someone online via a personal there has to be a certain amount of projection on the part of the viewer. We read about a person who we’ve deemed attractive. This either fires more interests or quickly quells the flame. After contact has been established once again there’s either more interest or none at all. Throughout this process, one thing I’ve learned to do is to keep low to moderate expectations on the other person. Early on, I would build someone into this monolithic person who he would never be able to live up to— which wasn’t fair to him or fair to me. This also leads me to questions what’s currently going on in my life and what I feel my specific needs are. Am I looking for friendship, just looking to get my rocks off, or is there something between the two.

Did you know that it takes 40 minutes to hard-boil an ostrich egg? An ostrich egg is the equivalent to 24 chicken eggs.

People are raining on my parade, not that I have any floats or a marching band following me around, though the idea has crossed my mind to hire people to snap my picture as I walk through the streets so I can gnash my teeth and intermittently yell “Damn you Paparazzi!”

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE TIME! What is your idea of perfect happiness? Perfection and happiness are two ideas when coupled I do not grasp. Nevertheless, perfect happiness would be silence with light. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Joan of Arc or Albert Schweitzer Which living person do you most admire? Nelson Mandela What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Weariness What is your greatest extravagance? Eating Jim’s frozen cookie dough. What is your favorite journey? The one between the lines. On what occasion do you lie? “Yes Dental Hygienist, I have been flossing regularly.” Which living person do you most despise? George W. Bush What or who is the greatest love of your life? Writing When and where were you happiest? Glass Beach, Fort Bragg on the Mendocino Coast, August of 1997 Charity and Andy sat with one another on the log, his hand on her lap both of them laughing. Tonianne was gathering bits of colored glass on the beach, pieces of blue and green. Michael was surveying the scene while I fed vanilla wafers to the gulls. The sun dipped into the ocean and we gathered on the log. We observed the day come to an end, the sounds of waves and gulls bidding us bon nuit. Which talent would you most like to have? Singing What is your current state of mind? Flummoxed What do you consider your greatest achievement? Living past 25 years of age If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Whatever the most deplorable incarnation there can possibly be; this apparently in my mind is a politician. What is your most treasured possession? I do not treasure the material, though I am fond of my children story book collection. I treasure friendships though they are not tangible. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Disgrace What is your favorite occupation? Naming and Branding Architecture Services or Ice Cream Man. What is the quality you most like in a man? Honor What is the quality you most like in a woman? Ballsiness Who are your favorite writers? Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Michelle Tea, Peter Orner, Mark Helprin, Amy Tan What is your motto? Ille Caelum Fremitus

Nothing says "Welcome Home" better than seeing my roommate's trick leaving.